Life Changed

My alarm was set for 5:30am as it always was. Just enough time to shower, eat and prepare myself for the work day. I started work at 7am 20 minutes away. The evening before was a typical work week evening. I left work at 3:30 and headed home. When I came in the cat was there to greet me. Husband and son were both still at work. I cleaned the house and cooked dinner. Awhile after dinner my husband and I went on a power walk. Showered, watched a little television and fell asleep.

Little did I know the next morning would change my life forever. I woke up around 5am. I felt groggy as I usually do when I first wake up. However, normally I don't ever wake up earlier than the alarm. I went to use the restroom. I felt really dizzy. I was unable to wipe myself after using the restroom. My right arm just flopped.

I went back to my room. I felt very confused. I walked around in circles. I went to the wall and stood there. No idea why. I tried to open the door and couldn't. I sat on the bed. I looked at this man sleeping there. I felt he was suppose to be there but I didn't know who he was. (I didn't realize it at the time but this was my husband). My confusion increased. My weakness increased.

My husband woke up. He said something but I couldn't understand what he was saying. He looked at me. He says he asked if I was ok and that I responded with "I don't feel good". When he shares about that he says I sounded like a really little kid. Slow and drawn out. He decided to take me to the hospital.

I remember him helping me to the car. I remember staring out the window. I remember numerous cigarettes in my mouth at once. Guess I wanted a cigarette, or two, or three. I don't remember going into the emergency room. Everything seemed slow motion. Kind of like looking at polaroid pictures someone else took and know nothing about what happened in between. Everyone was speaking a language I couldn't understand. I remember seeing squiggly lines in my vision. Then there were lots of people in white coats. Then my boss and two co-workers. Then I seen my son with tears in his eyes. Then I was in another room.

The new room I was in was the ICU. This ended up being my place of residence for 3 of the 4 days I was in the hospital. People came to see me. I thought it was my birthday and happy to see everybody. I may have thought it was my birthday because I got gifts. The day after I asked my mom what happened. She said I had a stroke. I said ok. At the time, I heard her but I didn't really comprehend the significance of this.

After my hospital stay people would share things with me that were interesting. My husband said that when I was at my worst, I put my hand on his arm and said "God can take me now". This scared him because I said it clear as day yet nothing else I said before or after made any sense. Another scary thing is that wasn't something I would normally EVER say. I guess I was able to cuss. My words were cunt and fuck. I didn't know my kids' names. What I do know is this: I felt no pain and I felt no fear for 4 days and it was wonderful.

The after effects have been difficult. A challenge to say the least. I tried to go back to work part time. After months of trying to keep up I filed for medical retirement. I can't handle loud noises. I get frequent headaches. Both of these have caused me to miss out on some awesome concerts. I can't remember things. I may remember right now but in 10 minutes I can't. It may and may not come back to me. I forget that I'm doing dishes, cleaning, cooking and numerous other things. I lose my balance and bump into things. I mess up words and create new words all the time. Sometimes I stutter. I always had anxiety and a little depression but are worse since the stroke. All these things are intensified the more stressed or tired I am. I make myself to do lists then can't remember where it is. Misplace my phone daily. Put my mascara in the freezer, which by the way wasn't found for three weeks.

Now that I'm not working, and unable to figure out what kind of work I could do that wouldn't be too difficult, I am going through a depression. I had a really good paying job. My daughter is wanting to attend University of San Francisco next year. I don't know how much money we can contribute to her tuition. On the other hand....my stroke made me realize some very important things in life. My family. My kids especially.