It's not unusual for me to feel alone. Even in a crowded room. Even surrounded by family. I have always felt uncomfortable around people. As though they could see through me. See into my soul. Would some way know who I really am and then use my weaknesses against me. Or discover they didn't really like me. I have had a difficult time developing friendships because of my anxiety. I don't just live with anxiety but I am anxiety.
I am afraid of the intimacy needed to develop a strong solid relationship with anyone. Including my husband. I hate feeling this way. I watch other people and wish I could be friends with them. So, instead of having any close friendships I tend to keep things light and superficial. I can't get hurt that way. I may not be subject to being hurt but I'm also not subject to being liked. Thus, my being alone continues.
I was talking to a friend earlier and I opened up about some things. I felt uncomfortable and then afterwards wish I hadn't shared. They didn't do anything wrong, it's me. I felt like I was an idiot. I felt like I was bugging them. I begin to think all kinds of things like they don't really want to be my friend, they think I'm an idiot, and so on. First of all, I don't know anything about what the other person is thinking. I realistically know this but as usual, I get uncomfortable and then I will clam up.
I dislike ANY public speaking. This includes any and all speaking. I prefer to write it or type it. Sharing me, is scary.
I don't like to be somewhere and everyone is looking at me. I have won several raffles but I never go up to claim my prize. If someone is with me I have them go get it. If not, then I lose out. The only exception to this is dancing. I am in my own little world and don't notice anyone else. Perhaps I should dance when I talk.
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