It seems my whole life I have been surrounded by death. My earliest memory regarding death was of my great grandmother shortly before she died. I remember looking at her as she lay there during her last days. (End of memory).
In 3rd grade I had a crush on this boy named Brian who was hit and killed by this other boys mother. He was crossing the road from the dirt lot and the other boys mom came around the corner fast and hit him. His helmet wasn't on properly and the underneath of the pick up caught his neck and dragged him. I was crushed.
When I was 10 my evil first step father was drunk one night and was asking my mom for the keys to the car and she wouldn't give them to him. We were in the living room. He went outside, came back in and asked her again. She refused. He pulled a small gun out of his pocket and shot at my mother. I went running out of the house screaming for someone to help. He came beside me in the car and told me to get in the house. I told him I hated him and I wished he was dead. My mother and I went across the street to some friends' house. They called the police. I was in there room looking out the window from my friends house to my house, which was caddy corner. I seen police cars. Then I seen my step father drive through real fast. A bit later the police showed up at my friends house. They were asking my mom about what he was wearing. They told her they found him dead outside the car. He had committed suicide.
At 13 years old I woke up to my mom and 2nd step father telling me that my Uncle Steve had died. He was in a car accident and was thrown from the window.
When I was 16 I was planning to go to a party with this male friend. Earlier in the day I was arrested and taken to Juvenile Hall. Two weeks later I received a letter that he was killed the night of the party. He was driving drunk with another friend who he liked. He flipped the car they were thrown from the vehicle. He landed on his head and was killed instantly. She broke her back and both legs.
At 26, my brother Josh died. This was the worst I'd encountered thus far. He called several days prior to his death and left a message for me to call because he might not get to talk to me again. My roommate gave me the message two days later. I wish I had called him. The following day during my lunch I walked over to Taco Bell. Usually I would eat my lunch in peace and go back to work. I felt a need to call my dad. There was a payphone outside Taco Bell so I called. His wife answered and asked if I was at home. I said no I'm on lunch. She said well we need to see you, she said. I knew something was wrong. I asked her who died. Never in a million years did I think it would be one of my siblings. Maybe a grand parent or other relative.
Three years later my grandma Cooney was in the hospital. She was in a coma or something when I got there. The first night I found out she was there I stayed the night and everyday after that I would drive 75 miles to go see her. On her birthday she woke up! We were there with her. She smiled. I was so grateful to get those last kisses and for her to call me dollie. My grandmother and I had gotten closer over the 2 years previous. She went back into a coma. Four days later, on grandpa's birthday, my grandfather, father, aunties, cousin Nikki and I were there praying. We sang songs to her. We held hands around her. There were a lot of tears. My heart ached so much every time I looked at my grandpa. Knowing he was loosing the woman he'd been with for over 50 years. A few drops of rain hit the window of her room. Shortly there after she began to breathe different. I leaned to her ear and told her to fly away home. A few breaths later she was gone. It was the first time I had seen some one die.
A week or so later was her funeral. That night when I was fast asleep in bed, I woke up to a loud noise. I jumped out of bed, grabbed my cordless and went out the front door of my apartment. Laid there before me was my neighbors son. There were other people outside. I went to his side, he wasn't moving. I loudly asked what happened. No one responded to me. I dialed 911. I again asked what happened. I was told he was shot and was it. I asked someone to get a blanket because it was cold. No one wanted to help. This was very sad to me. The paramedics instructed me to check for blood without moving. I did. I seen none. I bent down to ask his name as they asked. He wasn't speaking, he made only gurgling noises. A young woman said his names Raymond. I then became conscience of her presence and that of his fathers about 30 feet away crying. He was an old hispanic man who spoke no english. I didn't know what to do so I started tell this young man to hang in there. The young woman suddenly became hysterical as the sirens of the ambulance and police were coming. She needed to hide. I told her to go into my apartment. I didn't know why she needed to hide nor did I even think about why I was letting this person I didn't know into my apartment. But she needed to just shut up. This wasn't about her. He died.
A few days ago my husband found out his Uncle he loves so much has 2weeks to 2 months to live. He is torn apart. I rarely see him cry. He has never really had anyone close to him die. I feel sad for him and ask God to give him strength through this. My husband is a very strong man but this is new territory for him. I hope he will be okay.
Over the years there were other relatives, people I went to school with, clients who past away. The ones I've written about were the ones that had the biggest impact on my life. Death isn't unfamiliar to my life. I am writing this today because I have a fear of dying. June 23 this year I had a stroke. I'm only 38 years old. Death has been very real over the years but not until now had it ever been a possible reality for myself. I have decided to begin doing the things I've been meaning to do but haven't. I've made a box for each of my children with items I wish for them to have when I die. Over the past 3 days I have scanned over 400 photos so I can make discs for both children of them growing up. I still have many more pictures to scan. The discs when completed will include pictures with their father and myself prior to our meeting, the kids, them together and individually and at least one photo of each relative that I have a picture of. I plan to write them each a letter and put them in their boxes of stuff from me.
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