My ex-husband and I parted nearly 12 years ago. Cory was 6, Brianna was 4. I was strung out on drugs, using every day. I was not Dawn anymore. The drugs had turned me into someone else, something else. My thoughts were distorted. I left him and the kids behind and I took off with another man. I remember the anger and the hurt in the eyes of those I loved, yet was unable to stop. I felt bad inside but I could not stop. The pain was unbearable so I simply used more drugs to drown the feelings. I couldn't turn back. I just knew what I had done was unforgivable. When I went to jail 4 months later he picked me up and offered to pay for me to go to rehab. I refused. How could I possibly take him up on the offer after what I had done? I didn't deserve it. I moved to another county an hour away. I started going to 12 step meetings. Met people who accepted me. Oh how I missed my children and wished I could be with my husband again. I was so full of regret and remorse. The first 30 days I was clean I cried myself to sleep every night. I wished I would die. When he would come down and bring the kids my heart ached. I wasn't there to see their milestones, to read bed time stories or teach them He had been my love and had intended to be with him forever. Where did I go wrong? There was nothing I could do about what had already transpired. I had to move forward. I certainly couldn't continue to indulge in self pity. Yes, my family had been torn apart and we would never be a family again. I was willing to accept that. Really, I had no choice. What I regret most is my children had to endure confusion and hurt. All because I was a druggie who couldn't see past the end of her own nose! I continue to feel guilt and undeserving of my childrens love.