Heading to the psych ward and I'm gonna get medicated. This first line should be sung to the tune of 'heading to the chapel'. I have been trying so hard to function, to no avail. There just comes a time when you have to surrender to the fact that you need serious help.
No, I'm not crazy. I suffer from severe chronic anxiety and have started having panic attacks on a regular basis, which is resulting in my becoming depressed. Not to mention that I have an extreme fear of taking medications, also known as pharmacophobia. After my stroke it took me 8-9 months to take my 81mg aspirin on a daily basis. I have not been able to bring myself to take the medications that my primary care physician and my neurologist want me to take to help prevent another stroke.
The anxiety has always been a part of my life. I used to be able to deal with it and push through anxious times. I utilized many coping skills. A few years ago I quit driving on freeways because of it, I quit drinking any caffeinated beverages in the hopes that this would help. Nope. I now have a fear of drinking caffeine. It seems that my list of fears is growing. I realize that most of my fears are irrational, however, I feel paralyzed any time I try to push through the fears. My box of coping skills for dealing with the anxiety has vanished. I've been robbed.
So, later today my husband will be driving me to the psych ward at St. Joes. I will be doing a self referral. I am checking myself in with what's called a contract for safety. This basically means I tell them I'm feeling suicidal but don't have a plan and want to get help. Am I suicidal? No. But it's not a far stretch that I could eventually become suicidal considering I'm not really living life at all.
Honestly, I'm too scared to commit suicide. On the other hand I have asked and prayed for God to end my life many times. I am tired of living like this. I cannot breathe. Everyone thinks they're so damn helpful with their advise to just take the meds. Well, news flash DUMB ASS, I would if I could. No nobody can possibly understand. People mean well, but they don't understand. How can they? Even if they have experienced it themselves doesn't mean they understand. We all interpret things differently based on many different aspects of who we are.
Today, I surrender. I surrender to the fact that I cannot do this alone. I surrender to the realization that if I don't do this, it will only continue to get worse.
